Woodside Warriors Cricket Club

Where even the blind, morbidly obese people with no arms can play

The Mighty Warriors

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New home ground!

Posted by jumbotakeaway on April 25, 2016 at 12:30 AM Comments comments (0)

we are now playing at Airedale Cricket Club!


Ilkley nearly make it....

Posted by jumbotakeaway on June 18, 2015 at 11:55 AM Comments comments (0)

Ilkley nearly beat the Woodies last Thursday after a spectacular score of 146. A mixture of good batting and slack bowling allowed some of their best ringers to hit a few sixes.

Despite this the Woodies batted particularly well after a sound foundation was laid by openers Paxy and Jim. JIm carefully constructed a stable innings by hitting 4 sixes whereas Paxy put the brakes on. Later, Kunz, Jacko and JK kept up the runrate with some less than subtle batting.

The innings nearly faltered as G Wraggs batting continued in a poor vein of form with a single run, despite not have played for 9 years.  ' I cant hit out like I used to ', quipped the Wraggymuffin (top), a phrase that left many wondering when this 'used to ' period was.

Mr Wragg marvelled the gobshite banter from JK, Jacko and Jim, far in excess of the other clubs he has played for, 'At one point i counted 82 insults per minute, that's world class' he added.

The last time Wraggy Played

As it was, the 2 youngest Woodies Dan and Adam steered us to the total with 2 overs to spare, possibly our highest ever runchase.

Tom was made man of the match after his contribution which was bringing Adam.

Ilkley Fear Tomasz

Posted by jumbotakeaway on May 15, 2015 at 6:55 AM Comments comments (0)



Tong Park Outfield Yesterday

The rampant Woodies marched to victory last night against Ilkley at Tong park.

Free from the shackles of Paxy, Jacko and Paul, the Woodies played a free flowing style of cricket spurred on by returning vice captain Polish.

Captain Kunz cunningly lost the toss, forcing the opposing captain to reveal his hand and choose to bat . RK cleverly matched this with a counter offer of choosing to field.

Tong parks groundsman had thoughtfully installed a most around the pitch this year to keep things fresh or wet. This created a frisson of excitement for those lucky enough to field on the boundary.

Woodside's bowling attack largely stuck to it's plan of trying to win the game, although this was not helped by Jim and Andy bowling garbage. Tom provided another exhibition of pace attack which yielded yet another wicket in a typically ferocious spell of bowling.

Chasing a total of 127, Woodside's opening partnership of Jim and Kenny thwacked a majestic 33 each not out , leaving a substantial platform to progress on. The rest of the side ignored this however and decided to be crap as most were bowled out by dibbly dobblers.

Luckily Ste Stead hung on with the returning JK and WW crawled over the line with an over to spare, a thick edge skewed for four poetically decided the outcome of the match.

Updated fixture list!

Posted by jumbotakeaway on May 5, 2015 at 3:55 AM Comments comments (0)

May 7 th Riddlesden AWAY

May 14th Ilkley HOME

May 21st Eldwick HOME

June 4th St Marks Home

June 10th Ilkley AWAY 

June 18th Eldwick HOME

July 7th St Marks Home

July 9th Haworth WE home

July 16th Riddlesden AWAY

July 23rd St Marks Home

August 6th Haworth WE away

Early Fixture List rears its Ugly Head

Posted by jumbotakeaway on April 27, 2015 at 3:20 AM Comments comments (0)

May 7 th Riddlesden AWAY

14th Ilkley HOME

21st Eldwick HOME

June 10th Ilkley AWAY not on the list SD

18th Eldwick HOME

July 16th Riddlesden AWAY

 

Controversial end of season stats finally explained

Posted by jumbotakeaway on October 29, 2014 at 3:00 AM Comments comments (2)

Scientists from around the world have been hard at work trying to explain the difference between Gary's statistics and reality.

Pete Hatton won best batter award much to his surprise as well an Oscar for best supporting actress in an animated feature. Despite scoring several hundred runs JK got an average of 2 because the stats say he was out 14 times in the 8 matches he played.

Jim Stead wasn't expecting an award but was surprised to officially have got no wickets despite being stood next to team mates who had caught at least 4 people out off his bowling. "Still", said Jim, "winning a Brit for best female pop act was an unexpected bonus".

Britain's finest minds have come up with several theories, the best two being:

1. Seabrooks new Woodstock flavour crisps contain LSD

2. Gary's calculator may have been faulty

We took some readings from Gary and all apeared to be normal apart from the one displayed below:

These levels are dangerously low. Professor Norman Spiky of Leeds University said that,"if these levels dropped any lower then the subject may not be arsed breathing, never mind adding up a load of numbers scribbled on fag packets. Gary may have been technically asleep when adding this lot up or at least driving his artic".

However, Professor Stephen Hawking, responding after receiving his fielding award said that Baines' lack of attention was only part of the problem."The stats that Gary produced could not even be explained by quantum mathematics, I have produced theories explaining the existence of the universe but these figures are unfathomable. Either Gary has created a new branch of mathemetics or he cant tell the difference between a calculator and a blender".

Gary's Calculator Yesterday

We rang Gary to ask him for a comment but he answered the fridge.


Tom does it again

Posted by jumbotakeaway on August 8, 2014 at 3:15 AM Comments comments (0)

Even an outfield fire can't stop the Woodies

Inspirational leader Tom Dziedzic, led the Warriors to a 2-1 series win over St. Marks after bizarre and crushing victory last night.

Tom magnificently hit a career equalling 4 while batting (his second of the season), got a wicket when bowling , then caught someone out when 'keeping'.

The evening started ominously with Jim Stead being met by firemen who had just damped down the smouldering outfield. Possibly lit by Andy Norris's pace bowling.

Woodside got a reasonably large 159 while batting despite having only 8 players, inc. Tom and Andy. Andy was selflessly was out first ball to allow the cricketers to cricket. After a slow start, Baines batted magnificently as did Brian who did well for a man of his age. Jim Stead batted with uncharacteristic patience hitting 3 sixes in 3 balls before being caught on the boundary for 26.

Pete and Jim's partnership was described by Captain Tom as 'watching 2 super tankers', which seemed harsh since Jim has never slagged anyone off ever.

Paul's son, Ash made his debut with style bowling 3 decent overs. His dad however, decided he was the Riddlesden Warne, trying to spin the ball in his first over with very little effect. Once he reverted to his normal pace attack however, he got three wickets including a catch by Tom.

Pete got a finger tip to ball and ran out danger man Andy in strange and controversial circumstances.

Jim Stead dropped a dolly of a catch in the fading light off his own bowling only to side foot the spilled ball onto the wickets for a stylish runout.

In the end the woodies won by over 60 runs, largely thanks to Gary's magnificent 3 overs which went for only 2 runs.

Even the BBQ wasnt that bad............

Tom takes accolades again

Posted by jumbotakeaway on June 17, 2014 at 5:00 PM Comments comments (0)

The mighty Tom 'Polish' Dziedzic once again took all the plaudits for his performance last week against a bemused Ilkley team. He didnt bat and his wicketkeeping was at the same standered as normal. He excelled in his quick thinking knowing that the big eating Stead brothers were absent, so arranged for a barbecue. His performance at the grill had brian, jacko and jk running for home before anybody could say 'salmonella poisoning'. The burgers and sausages were washed down with beer and cider and finished off with new flavours of crisps that appeared from nowhere, but are now appearing at the West End bar in Howarth.

       Brian ran out as many people as possible, Jacko slogged at the end, with norris praying that he wouldnt be needed to bat. Wickets from Paxford, Baines and some others, plus a run out by Baines from a 380yard throw from the boundary, had Ilkley and Norris limping to a rather dismal and forlorn lowly figure.

Renamed Tom Park!

Posted by jumbotakeaway on May 15, 2014 at 6:00 AM Comments comments (0)


Inspirational Advice From Captain Tom

Captain Tom leads the Woodies to a heavy beating dramatic  loss against Crompark on Tuesday.

Leading from the front, Tom bowled for the time in years to replace injured Brian getting 2 wickets in his first over!

Tom's devastating pace attack terrified Crom Park who assumed he was an interloper from a secure unit who had given his carer the slip. His enigmatic bowling technique allowed him to reach the speeds of Andy Norris' bowling, but with some vague accuracy.

Tom's team mates were full of praise for the much admired captain:

"Oh, f**k this is all we're going to hear for the rest of the season" - Jacko.

"Time for us all to retire" - JK

"He was the only bowler who got a decent wicket keeper" - Jim

"You're all shit" - Tom

The Woodies failed to chase down the reasonable 147 target on a wet and muddy Tong Park despite valiant efforts from Kunz, Jacko and Brian.

Extreme rain halts opening fixture

Posted by jumbotakeaway on May 7, 2014 at 11:40 AM Comments comments (0)

Ilkley suffers after rain storm today.

Tom Dziedzic had to break the news to the rest of the team that the woodies first fixture had been cancelled due to the least inclement weather of all time. The controversial decision left some of the woodies facing a normal night at home against their will.

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